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Rosemary Nash: Social Services Consultant www.couragetogrow.co.nz r.nash@vodafone.co.nz

Surviving Social Service Work

WHEN WORK ENVIRONMENTS BECOME TOXIC.

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Opening Blessing

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Let the peace Of the heavens above Of Mother earth below Of the all embracing universe Be over us all Behold! Tis life Kia Tau Te Rangimarie O te Rangi e tu iho nei O Papatuanuku e takoto nei O te Taiao e awhi nei Ki runga I a tatou katoa Tihei Mauriora!

Welcome to Surviving Social Service Work: Challenging the Drama Triangle

Goals: 1.Familiarise with concept of Karpman’s triangles. 2.Develop awareness of roles adopted in intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships 3.Understand effects of ‘Drama’ triangle on workplace dynamics. 4.Identify Strategies for staying in the Healthy Triangle.

DRAMA Wellbeing

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I’m Ok- You’re NOT OK

Victim

‘One-down’ Position

Rescuer Aggressor

Drama

The Drama Triangle Positions

‘One-Up’ Positions

I’m NOT OK,- You’re OK

Recognising the Drama Triangle

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Gossip, acting, playing, fooling, disguise, lying, acting, masking, covering up, A wolf in sheep’s clothing’, black humour, put downs, minimising, talking over, arrogance, knows best, taking over, not listening, disrespectful, dominant, Pleasing, addicted, inadequate, Incompetent, anxious, fearful, Hopeless, Crisis orientated, disempowered, illogical, reactive,

‘

Healthy Triangle Positions and Dynamic

Asserter Supporter Mindful Self Aware Vulnerable I’m Ok-You’re OK

K

I’m not Ok –You’re OK

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Above the Line Below the Line Trust Built- Empowerment Trust Eroded-Oppression All Leaders Bullies and Victims Feel: Authentic Powerful Positive Feel: Shame Anger Depressed Frustrated Language to listen for: I Me Us We Language to listen for: You They Them It S/He

Healthy Drama

Supporter Tautoko Mindful Reflector Mākohakoha Tu Mana Motuhake Asserter Aggressor Kaitaua Victim Pāruenga Kaiwhakaora Rescuer

Karpman’s Triangles-adapted

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Dynamics between Drama and Healthy Triangles

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 Drama Triangle wants to pull others

into its orbit to play it’s (power) game, to have control.

 Drama can ACT/ Deceive. Can makes

it’s behaviours LOOK LIKE Compassionate behaviour

 Healthy Triangle shows the way,

leads, problem solves

 Healthy Triangle has to use a lot of

energy to resist the pull of Drama, to stay balanced, and maintain nurturing attitudes to self and others, to ‘hold the line’. Observes Nurtures Resists Leads Pulls Attacks Decieves

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Features of the Drama Triangle

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• Playing out at different levels
• Spinning
• Sucking others in
• Disguise
• Mirroring

Why do we Play in the Drama Triangle?

 We function in the Drama Triangle when we’re

‘not ok’ ourselves

• To make ourselves feel better
• To gain power
• To hide our insecurities from others

 Because that’s what we’ve always done  We’ve grown up immersed in ‘drama’  Life seems boring without ‘drama’  We’ve joined a group who relate in this way  When we come to question time you might like to

share examples from your own workplace.

I’m Not OK, You’re Not Ok I’m OK, You’re Not Ok

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No-one Wins in the Drama Triangle

If you want to move out of the Drama Refuse to Play

 Move to the centre - don’t play ‘one-up’ or ‘one-

down’

 Resist the invitation to play  Give up Rescuing as a key starting point  Act- rather than discuss or negotiate

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Continuum Exercise

Where are you mostly? Where have you been in the past Where are you now? Where do you want to be?

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DRAMA HEALTHY

Become a Supporter- Lose the Rescuer

Rescuing is is the pivotal role that keeps the 3-way game going

 Stop Fixing others  Be supportive  Listen more  Coach  Let others act

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The Slippery Slope

Become Mindful – Show empathy and Compassion, not Sympathy

Be ‘SOBER’

Stop Observe BREATHE Examine Respond

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Practice Assertion Give the Persecutor Leave of Absence

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Assert rather than Aggress

• Find Power in Expressing your feelings and

thoughts

• Lead by giving give constructive feedback
• Take Responsibility
• Problem Solve
• Ask for what you want, Say No to what you

don’t want

• Initiate negotiations
• Take Positive Strength based Action
• Show Respect and Generosity to others

The Healthy Compassion Triangle

The Healthy Triangle stays Balanced Stable

To stay in the Compassion Triangle we need to be:

 Purposeful- client focused  Mindful  Supported and Supportive  Empowering  Insightful

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Question Time

 Now it’s your time to share  Your questions  Your Thoughts  Your examples  On the next slide are some references, and

following that, some closing thoughts in a beautiful poem.

 Go well.

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Some References Byrne, Hugh G.: The Here and Now Habit, How Mindfulness can help you break unhealthy habits once and for all. New Harbinger Publications Inc, CA 2016 Buck,John: Dynamic Governance Johnson, Skip R: Google : bpdfamily.com - search for < karpman -drama -triangle> Karpman Stephen B.: ‘A Game Free Life’ PHLeadership Programme- Above and Below the Line- unpublished (incorporated into slide 7 in this presentation)

Ending

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Do not try to save the whole world Or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing In the dense forest of your life And wait there patiently, Until the song that is yours alone to sing Falls into your open cupped hands And you recognise and greet it. Only then will you know How to give yourself to this world, So worthy of rescue.

Martha Postlethwaite (quoted in The Here and Now Habit)