Some of Young Adult's Painful The Pain Research The Pain Research - - PDF document

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Divorcing Emotions: Children Divorcing Emotions: Children’ ’s Pain, s Pain, Parents Parents’ ’ Grief, and the Results of a Grief, and the Results of a Randomized Trial Mediation or Litigation Randomized Trial Mediation or Litigation 12 Years Later 12 Years Later

Robert E. Emery Robert E. Emery University of Virginia University of Virginia

ree@virginia. ree@virginia.edu edu Emeryondivorce Emeryondivorce.com .com

A publisher’s title. The real title is: When Parents Part

The Controversy The Controversy

Children of divorce are doomed Children of divorce are doomed Children of divorce are resilient Children of divorce are resilient Is this really an either/or question? Is this really an either/or question?

The Forest The Forest

Divorce causes stress Divorce causes stress – – conflict, grief, troubled conflict, grief, troubled relationships, uncertainty, financial problems relationships, uncertainty, financial problems Divorce increases risk for psychological problems Divorce increases risk for psychological problems

– – Risk is real: My twin studies ( Risk is real: My twin studies (D D’ ’Onofrio Onofrio et al., (2006) J of et al., (2006) J of Abnormal Psych; Developmental Psych.) Abnormal Psych; Developmental Psych.)

Still, most children from divorced families are resilient Still, most children from divorced families are resilient How parents parent How parents parent after after divorce promotes resilience divorce promotes resilience – – or increases risk

• r increases risk

– – The goal: Divorced parents need to be parents, so kids can The goal: Divorced parents need to be parents, so kids can be kids (not be kids (not “ “children of divorce children of divorce” ”) )

The Trees The Trees

Resilient students crying in my office Resilient students crying in my office My daughter, Maggie My daughter, Maggie’ ’s, love of literature s, love of literature My student, Lisa My student, Lisa Laumann Laumann-

• Billings, sensitivity

Billings, sensitivity What researchers don What researchers don’ ’t measure but parents t measure but parents worry about: Pain worry about: Pain

The Pain Research The Pain Research

99 UVA students whose parents divorced; no 99 UVA students whose parents divorced; no psychological problems psychological problems 94 students whose parents remained married 94 students whose parents remained married 53 community adolescents whose parents 53 community adolescents whose parents divorced 12 years earlier divorced 12 years earlier A standardized measure of pain A standardized measure of pain

Some of Young Adult's Painful Beliefs About Divorce

Percentage of 100 well-adjusted college students who agreed or strongly agreed

Billings and Emery, 2000 73 65 51 49 48 48 40 34 29 18 Diff.person if no div. Life diff. if together Diff pers if more dad Worry events like grad Harder childhood Really missed dad Wish never divorced Childhood cut short Wonder if dad loves me Doomed to repeat probs 20 40 60 80 100

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Painful Beliefs About Childhood: Divorced versus Married

Percent agree or strongly agree; based on Billings and Emery, 2000; 51 49 48 46 29 20 10 14 19 10 Diff pers if more dad Worry events like grad Harder childhood Wish more time dad Wonder if dad loves me 10 20 30 40 50 60 Divorced Married

Painful Beliefs About Divorce: Acceptance

Percentage of 100 well-adjusted college students who agreed or strongly agreed

Billings and Emery, 1997 81 74 74 47 Hard but right my fam Comfortable talking Parents happier after Relieved tensions 20 40 60 80 100

73 49 48 29 18 44 25 35 28 23

I'd be a different person if no divorce I worry about events with both parents I had a harder childhood I wonder if Dad loves me Feel doomed to repeat problems

20 40 60 80 100 College (N=99) Custody (N=53)

Mean Loss Scores by Father Contact

Weekly 1 to 3 times month Several/year or less 14 16 18 20 22 College Custody

College 16.8 20 18.6 Custody 15.6 18.8 17

Marquardt (2005): Selected Items

Very/pretty happy Outsider in home Adultlike kid Christmas stressful Many losses in life Pray as child 20 40 60 80 100 Married Divorced

The Take Home Message The Take Home Message

Pain is not pathology Pain is not pathology Grief is not a mental disorder Grief is not a mental disorder But pain is a part of divorce, even for resilient But pain is a part of divorce, even for resilient children children We want to recognize both the forest and the We want to recognize both the forest and the trees trees

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Costs of Divorce Conflict Costs of Divorce Conflict

Not subtle Not subtle… …

July 12, 2006. Dr. Nicholas Bartha, 66, blows up Manhattan townhouse after sending ex-wife email: “You will be transformed from a gold digger into an ash and rubble digger.”

Benefits of Cooperation Benefits of Cooperation

Many ways to encourage parents to work Many ways to encourage parents to work together as parents together as parents

Hierarchy of Interventions in Hierarchy of Interventions in Divorce Divorce

Negotiating at kitchen table (pro se divorce) Negotiating at kitchen table (pro se divorce) Divorce education Divorce education Mediation Mediation Collaborative law Collaborative law Adversary attorney negotiations Adversary attorney negotiations Psychological evaluation, med/ Psychological evaluation, med/arb arb (arbitration) (arbitration) Judicial decision making Judicial decision making Parent coordinators (med/ Parent coordinators (med/arb arb; limited ; limited coordinator decision coordinator decision-

• making authority)

making authority)

Final Settlement Methods for 933 Custody and Visitation Issues

Based on Maccoby and Mnookin 1992 1.5% 2.2% 5.2% 11.1% 29.3% 50.4% 0% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% Judge Decides Settled During Trial Settled after Evaluation Settled in Mediation Lawyer Negotiated, Not Uncontested Settled, Uncontested

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Mediation Mediation

My focus and expertise My focus and expertise

– – Aside: Calling it mediation doesn Aside: Calling it mediation doesn’ ’t make it so t make it so – – Much variation in mediation quality Much variation in mediation quality

In all cases, mediation is hard work In all cases, mediation is hard work What happens to angry families after they leave What happens to angry families after they leave mediator mediator’ ’s office s office – – and years later? and years later? We hope we We hope we’ ’ve planted a seed. Have we ve planted a seed. Have we

The Mediation Study The Mediation Study

High conflict families High conflict families – – filing for contested filing for contested custody hearing custody hearing Random assignment (the magic of science) to Random assignment (the magic of science) to mediation or adversary settlement mediation or adversary settlement Young, low income sample Young, low income sample Longitudinal study Longitudinal study – – 12 years 12 years Short Short-

• term (5 hr average) problem

term (5 hr average) problem-

• focused but

focused but emotionally emotionally-

• informed mediation

informed mediation

Grief: The Central Emotion Grief: The Central Emotion

Losses in divorce: Your marriage, maybe Losses in divorce: Your marriage, maybe your children, your home, your savings, your children, your home, your savings, your friends, your role, your hopes and your friends, your role, your hopes and dreams dreams Grief is a normal and healthy reaction to Grief is a normal and healthy reaction to loss loss How do most people handle the hurt and How do most people handle the hurt and pain of lost love? pain of lost love?

Father-Child Contact After Separation: By Length of Time Since Separation

Based on Seltzer, 1991

0 to 2 3 to 5 6 to 10 11 +

Years Since Separation

0% 20% 40% 60% 80% 100% Not at all Once a year Several/year 1-3/month Once a week Several/week

Problems with Grieving Divorce Problems with Grieving Divorce

Unrecognized grief Unrecognized grief No one to grieve with: Your ex? Ha, ha. Your No one to grieve with: Your ex? Ha, ha. Your

• children. Hopefully not.
• children. Hopefully not.

Lose support of friends and families instead of Lose support of friends and families instead of garnering it (as happens following death) garnering it (as happens following death) And the big issue: An uncertain loss, a And the big issue: An uncertain loss, a potentially reconcilable one potentially reconcilable one This makes grief different. This makes grief different.

– – Kubler Kubler-

• Ross,

Ross, Bowlby Bowlby stages: Denial, anger, stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance bargaining, depression, acceptance – – Emery cycles: Love, anger, sadness Emery cycles: Love, anger, sadness

A Theory of Grieving in Cycles Not Stages

Love Anger Sadness

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Cycles of Love, Anger, and Sadness Become Less Intense and Come Into Phase Over Time

Time

Sadness Anger Love

College Students College Students’ ’ Grief Grief Stuck on Love Stuck on Love Gone Gone Grieving Alone Grieving Alone

Why doesn Why doesn’ ’t he/she understand? t he/she understand? How can she be so irrational? How can she be so irrational? How can he be so cold? How can he be so cold? Different losses. His marriage died after a long Different losses. His marriage died after a long chronic illness. Her marriage was in a train chronic illness. Her marriage was in a train wreck wreck – – and is still alive in the ER. and is still alive in the ER.

Leaver and Left Feel Grief Differently

The Leaver The Left

Sadness Love Anger

guilt responsibility righteousness

Sadness Love Anger

rejection hope hurt/pain

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A Continuum of Relationships: Disengaging from Your Ex

Cooperative Relationship

Businesslike Friendship Lovers Businesslike Rivalry Enemies Love/ Hate Disinterest

Case Settlement Following Random Assignment

N=36 for adversary group and N=35 for mediation group

Adversary Group Mediation Group

20 40 60 80 100 P e r c e n t a g e

• f

C a s e s Custody Hearing Attorney Settlement Mediated Settlement

12 Year Follow-Up:

Outcomes of Mediation and Litigation

Contact with Nonresidential Parent

1X year or less Several times/year 1-3 times/month 1x a week or more

0% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% Mediation Litigation National

12 Year Follow-Up:

Outcomes of Mediation and Litigation

1X year or less Several times/year 1-3 times/month 1x a week or more

0% 10% 20% 30% 40% 50% 60% 70% Mediation Litigation National

Telephone calls

Nonresidential Parent-Child Involvement

Based on residential parent report Discipline Dress/grooming Religion/moral Errands Celebrate holidays Significant events School/church Recreation Discussing problems Vacations 0.5 1 1.5 2 2.5 3 3.5 Litigation Mediation

Why Did So Little Mean So Much? Why Did So Little Mean So Much?

Timing is everything; this is the time Timing is everything; this is the time The right path; not so much that mediation The right path; not so much that mediation is not is not “ “good good” ” as the alternative is as the alternative is… … disruptive disruptive

7 Why Did So Little Mean So Much? Why Did So Little Mean So Much?

Not the decisions reached (they were the same) Not the decisions reached (they were the same) but the process. but the process.

– – Recognizing grief and how it causes anger (see Grief Recognizing grief and how it causes anger (see Grief Study; workshop; The Truth about Children and Study; workshop; The Truth about Children and Divorce) Divorce) – – Parents having a voice Parents having a voice – – Learning about children Learning about children’ ’s needs and co s needs and co-

• parenting

parenting – – Taking the long view of childrearing and their Taking the long view of childrearing and their relationship relationship – – Parents working together as parents Parents working together as parents

Why Did So Little Mean So Much? Why Did So Little Mean So Much?

Commitment and enthusiasm for Commitment and enthusiasm for mediation mediation We constantly need to renew and remind We constantly need to renew and remind

• urselves of the importance of what we
• urselves of the importance of what we

do, because this makes us better do, because this makes us better mediators (or better lawyers, social mediators (or better lawyers, social workers, psychologists, judges) workers, psychologists, judges)

Remember: Remember: Mediation is Emotionally Wrong Mediation is Emotionally Wrong

The usual way to end a relationship is to The usual way to end a relationship is to… … end it end it Mediation asks parents to do something different Mediation asks parents to do something different – – for the children for the children’ ’s sake s sake Anger serves many functions following a loss Anger serves many functions following a loss (e.g., covering up hurt, grief, fear) (e.g., covering up hurt, grief, fear) The message of mediation makes separation The message of mediation makes separation emotionally harder (more ambivalence, more emotionally harder (more ambivalence, more pain) pain) But it is the right thing and it does work! But it is the right thing and it does work!

For More Information For More Information

Emery (1994), Emery (1994), Renegotiating Family Relationships Renegotiating Family Relationships. New York: Guilford. . New York: Guilford. Emery (1999), Emery (1999), Marriage, Divorce, and Children Marriage, Divorce, and Children’ ’s Adjustment s Adjustment (2E). (2E). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Emery (2004). Emery (2004). The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the The Truth about Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions, So You and Your Children Can Thrive Emotions, So You and Your Children Can Thrive. New York: Viking. . New York: Viking. Laumann Laumann-

• Billings & Emery, (2000)

Billings & Emery, (2000) Journal of Family Psychology Journal of Family Psychology. Pain . Pain study. study. Emery et al. (2001). Emery et al. (2001). Journal of Consulting & Clinical Journal of Consulting & Clinical. Mediation study. . Mediation study. Sbarra Sbarra & Emery (2006). & Emery (2006). Personal Relationships Personal Relationships. Grief study. . Grief study. D D’ ’Onofrio Onofrio, B., , B., Turkheimer Turkheimer,E., Emery, R., ,E., Emery, R., Slutske Slutske, W., Heath, A., , W., Heath, A., Madden, P., & Martin, N. (2005). Madden, P., & Martin, N. (2005). Journal of Abnormal Psychology Journal of Abnormal Psychology. Twin . Twin study. study. D D’ ’Onofrio Onofrio, B., , B., Turkheimer Turkheimer,E., Emery, R., ,E., Emery, R., Slutske Slutske, W., Heath, A., , W., Heath, A., Madden, P., & Martin, N. (2006). Madden, P., & Martin, N. (2006). Developmental Psychology Developmental Psychology. Twin . Twin Study. Study.